Okay okay!!!!

Just received my third email threatening me with bodily harm if I don't update my blog, so I guess its about time!

I haven't blogged in so long because of a myriad of things...being just generally exhausted (I like to call it being "Seoul-Sick"), stressed because of ridiculousness at school, and really just at a loss as to what to blog about I guess. You know, my life is way more interesting to you than it is to me! I've really been in a funk of missing people lately, too. I've always been bad about telling people that I miss them...so if I haven't told you, it doesn't mean I don't miss you! I really miss you I promise!!

Ever since June hit, I've started to look forward to going home more and more. Life here is about endurance, and I feel like I've hit the wall. My body has started rebelling against the stress, and some days I feel like I have to go completely numb to deal with everything. I don't like reverting to that place of numbness. It takes me back to a time in my life when I had to hide from everything...and that's the same feeling I have here a lot. I'm tempted to just curl up into a ball and wait out the storm.

Here's something I'm learning: Sometimes I hear people sharing what's going on in their lives, and its really tough for them, but after they finish sharing, they'll slap on that pained smile and throw a "But I know God is in control" into the mix to round things out. This has really started to get to me here.

Sometimes, life sucks. Legitimately, it sucks. And sometimes, we can't see out of it, we can't see the light, we know in our head that there is hope but it is not tangible; we know we should trust God more, but the fact that we've already doubted His will for our lives only throws us into a guilt-ridden depression. And suddenly, the suffering I'm experiencing is my fault, my doing, my problem for letting myself not rely on God's truth. How can I be this stupid?

I know the Truth. I know God has a plan. But that doesn't change the fact that sometimes, life sucks. And its okay to admit that. It shows vulnerability to admit to others that you don't have things taken care of, that for once in your life your ducks aren't all in a nice row. I've got problems. We all do. And sometimes, I'm not okay. Sometimes I feel like a failure in my relationship with the Lord. A lot of times I feel like the suffering I experience in my own life is my fault because of my failure to live up to the spiritual standard I set before myself. And almost all of the time I wonder why He still comes after me.

But He always does. And though I may doubt, though I may feel a certain way, none of that can change the reality of His mercy, compassion and faithfulness. My lack of faith cannot destroy God or His love for me.

"Answer: Merciless, Insatiable, Awe-Inspiring"

"What is: 3 adjectives to describe Jessica on the Putt-Putt course, Alex."

So in lieu of our normal Bible Study on Wednesday night, we decided to spend some quality time on the course playing a round of friendly mini-golf. Little did they know that I've spent every summer for the last 6 years honing my skills at Putt-Putt Golf N' Games back in my old 'hood.

Ahh...Putt-Putt Golf N' Games...let's hearken back. There was nary a more rundown miniature golf course in the entire city; situated between an Arby's and perhaps some kind of auto repair shop, the greens hadn't been green in years, the paint was chipping off of all the "realistic-looking" animal statues that were there to intimidate novice golfers, and inevitably the holes were always full of stagnant water even if it had been weeks since the last rain.

**I must note that in recent years the course has undergone a dramatic renovation and now has a fresh coat of paint, new equipment, and la-creme-de-la-creme, a 15-foot propane volcano that fires every 10 minutes and scares the crap out of everyone trying to putt within a quarter-mile radius or so.

So my story is a Cinderella story of sorts...I spent countless hours with high school friends (and especially Nicole and Jarod) practicing my short game and afterwards going inside to the arcade and playing the big rig game (who doesn't love drivin' truck??) and the wordsearch game...yes...the wordsearch game...did I mention that I'm a nerd? Just in case you didn't know...

So when we went to play Putt-Putt this week, I felt pretty confident. Actually our whole team felt confident. This picture can prove it:

~Team ANNIHILATION~

All in all we had a really fun time - we climbed the animal statues, sword-fought with the putters, danced, sang, and actually managed to play a little golf too. I shot a 43, which was 7 over Pro Par, and 2 under Amateur Par. So that puts me somewhere between a pro and an amateur...Hil and I tied for first, and Jess C. came in a close second at 44. That was enough to give Team ANNIHILATION the gold medal for the evening.

Sometimes, I wish I was good at something more important, meaningful or valuable than miniature golf. Like bowling.

But I suppose, you take what God gives you.