Okay okay!!!!

Just received my third email threatening me with bodily harm if I don't update my blog, so I guess its about time!

I haven't blogged in so long because of a myriad of things...being just generally exhausted (I like to call it being "Seoul-Sick"), stressed because of ridiculousness at school, and really just at a loss as to what to blog about I guess. You know, my life is way more interesting to you than it is to me! I've really been in a funk of missing people lately, too. I've always been bad about telling people that I miss them...so if I haven't told you, it doesn't mean I don't miss you! I really miss you I promise!!

Ever since June hit, I've started to look forward to going home more and more. Life here is about endurance, and I feel like I've hit the wall. My body has started rebelling against the stress, and some days I feel like I have to go completely numb to deal with everything. I don't like reverting to that place of numbness. It takes me back to a time in my life when I had to hide from everything...and that's the same feeling I have here a lot. I'm tempted to just curl up into a ball and wait out the storm.

Here's something I'm learning: Sometimes I hear people sharing what's going on in their lives, and its really tough for them, but after they finish sharing, they'll slap on that pained smile and throw a "But I know God is in control" into the mix to round things out. This has really started to get to me here.

Sometimes, life sucks. Legitimately, it sucks. And sometimes, we can't see out of it, we can't see the light, we know in our head that there is hope but it is not tangible; we know we should trust God more, but the fact that we've already doubted His will for our lives only throws us into a guilt-ridden depression. And suddenly, the suffering I'm experiencing is my fault, my doing, my problem for letting myself not rely on God's truth. How can I be this stupid?

I know the Truth. I know God has a plan. But that doesn't change the fact that sometimes, life sucks. And its okay to admit that. It shows vulnerability to admit to others that you don't have things taken care of, that for once in your life your ducks aren't all in a nice row. I've got problems. We all do. And sometimes, I'm not okay. Sometimes I feel like a failure in my relationship with the Lord. A lot of times I feel like the suffering I experience in my own life is my fault because of my failure to live up to the spiritual standard I set before myself. And almost all of the time I wonder why He still comes after me.

But He always does. And though I may doubt, though I may feel a certain way, none of that can change the reality of His mercy, compassion and faithfulness. My lack of faith cannot destroy God or His love for me.