God is Good

I spent the morning in tears. But before I tell you why, let me give you a bit of background information:

This week was not fun. On top of my usual tasks (teaching and lesson-planning for 22 classes) I was responsible for coming up with 39 lesson plans for my school's winter camp English class, plus I was responsible for coming up with 12 more lesson plans for the other camp that I'm teaching at over Christmas. Yikes.

And then there's the co-teacher situation. She didn't show up to class on Monday morning. I was seriously concerned - no call, no text - plus its actually illegal for me to teach in a classroom with no supervising teacher (they want to keep an eye on what these foreigners are teaching their youth). And 6-2 is a difficult class anyway to handle by myself when I can't discipline effectively because I DON'T SPEAK KOREAN. Ugh.

So I wandered down to the teacher's room to ask the Vice Principal if he'd heard from her when lo and behold she's just relaxing and drinking coffee in there. She told me she has a cold sore and was "too embarassed" to come to class.

...

Yeah. Moving on.

She's nearly always late to first period and she broke down yesterday during the sixth grade lesson because one of my upper level students asked her a question and she didn't know the answer. This woman is dissolving before my eyes. I don't know what to do anymore. I try to give her as much grace as I can but these thoughts creep in that say:

"You have every right to hate her. She makes your life miserable. You would be a much better teacher if it weren't for her. She ruins everything."

I want sooooo badly to own these thoughts, because that makes me the one in the right. The good one. The one that doesn't screw up. But these thoughts are poison. And I can feel my soul becoming sicker and sicker the more those words run through my mind. And I wonder how can God love so much. Is it hard for Him?

So this has been a monumental struggle - I've never felt this kind of war against my flesh before. Most days I want to scream and pull my hair out. And I want to tell the hateful thoughts to go away but part of me wants to believe them. Every day has been a battle.

So Rach asked if I wanted to do a spa trip this weekend, and I was all up for going until last night, when I got this strange feeling that maybe I shouldn't go. Hil decided to go, and I decided to stay home, because there was nothing I wanted more than to go to sleep and not set my alarm.

My doorbell rings at 9:00 AM. My thoughts: "Uggggggggh...its probably the Jehovah's Witnesses again...I'm not getting it." Doorbell rings again. I roll over. Then a knocking and a man's voice. So I wander over to the door just in case the building's burning down. I open the door. Its the mail dude. And he has a package. For me.

And that's why I spent the morning in tears.

God gives me everything I need. He gave me you. I love you more than you know, more than I could ever say in a blog, or an email, or even in person. I have amazing friends :)

Okay, I'm going back to bed now. Haha.

Love -

Jess